It’s been so very, very long since I’ve written a post on this blog. I suppose my only (accidental) readers are those who have subscribed long ago (Digital Revolution anyone?) and those bored enough on their school holidays to click the link to this post. So why am I writing here, for you few readers? Well, I suppose I can blame Lady Whistledown… right not I’m on a plane bound for Cairns, watching Bridgerton to distract me from my catastrophising. Oh, anxiety don’t you love it? Well, she’ll be appearing again soon in this random post whether you love her or hate her.
It turns out I don’t have an answer to my titular question. I don’t know who I am. Or maybe I don’t know who others think I am… or even what I am. Human, yes. Always. But given my change in role over the last 18 months, I’m not sure who I am, or where I’m going. I once was known – right here on this very blog – as a teacher. But am I? I just don’t feel included in that role anymore. It’s so very weird. TBH, I’ve been drinking some rather lovely sparkling wine and I’m way up above the clouds (literally) so I guess that’s got me pondering and just vomiting these thoughts. If I’m in a non school based teacher position… am I really a teacher? And what does it even mean to be a teacher? And why do I care so damn much?
Chatting to my psychologist (yes, I actually have one because 16 years of teaching can really fuck a gal up), and she got me thinking about who I am. Or at least how I define my identity. Stupidly I wrote teacher first out of everything. I can’t stop thinking about that unconscious slick of the pen. Why write that above mother, wife, author, human?! I guess that’s what teaching does to us, right? It just takes over our very being. And when you’re not in the classroom anymore… what then? I literally don’t know.
I do know that any time I speak about school I start to get very teary and a bit jittery. That’s anxiety again. The bitch. Super dumb, but I can’t help remembering how it felt to be there and how useless, ineffective, overwhelmed and (honestly) scared that I felt being in that space. I knew I had lost it. I dunno what ‘it’ is but it was gone. Proper gone. Maybe it was hope, optimism, joy, passion… who knows?
So I got an escape and I really feel valued in my current role but it’s not *me* forever. I don’t know who I am, or where I’m going. I don’t know if I’ll return to the classroom even though I fucking love being with teenagers and I cry… literally cry… to be back in the classroom with them. I don’t think that’s going to be viable. Not any time soon. So where to next, right? I don’t know. I really, really don’t know.
Who am I? Where am I going? What will be my contribution to the world? *Shrugs shoulders; glugs sparkling wine*